Cinematic Resolution

WIDGET!!!

2009-03-04T10:35:00.001-08:00

2/23/09 - 3/1/09 : Last House on the Left (1972)

2009-03-02T08:45:00.000-08:00

Thoughts:

With the remake coming out on Friday, March 13th (the 2nd of THREE Friday the 13ths this year), I thought it best to see the original before stepping foot into a theater to see the remake. Good thing it was on Comcast On Demand---for free. (Especially since it's in high demand on Netflix.) What is there to say, really? It wins points for being realistically gritty in parts, but loses points for bordering soft-core porn. I'm all about suspending disbelief for movies, but there were so many moments in this film where that was just impossible. I suppose when it comes to horror films, it's gotta be all or none with me: either make the whole thing so unbelievable that I can forgive the absurdity of it all and go with the flow, or keep it realistic so I'm not questioning the logic behind a character using shaving cream as a murder weapon. The remake HAS GOT to be better than the original. If it's not, I'll be really surprised.

What I Learned:

Your parents made out with each other while they decorated your birthday cake. Perhaps the celebration of your birth conjured up memories of your conception? Whatever the case, I'd skip the cake and go straight for the ice cream instead.

Boobs are a key component of any horror film. Period. Whenever possible, inform the audience that you didn't have boobs until this year...this provides the audience with context and more empathy when a group of convicts gets a hold of them..."Oh! But they were NEW! What a shame..."

When you become a parent, you will automatically obtain MacGyver-like skills in order to go after those who have killed or maimed your offspring.

2/16/09 - 2/22/09: The 81st Annual Academy Awards

2009-02-25T16:07:00.000-08:00

Let me preface this entry by saying that I am well aware that this is NOT a movie. But it IS a celebration of movies, and therefore I do not count my not watching an actual movie* this week as breaking my resolution.

*I actually attempted to watch 3 movies this week, but didn't devote my full attention and/or fell asleep. And no, blogging about the Oscars is in no way** an attempt to try to cover for myself and my lack of keeping my resolution.

**Blogging about the Oscars is a partial attempt to cover for myself for my lack of keeping my resolution.

Anyways...

Thoughts:

I came into this not expecting too much. I'd only seen 2 Best Picture nominees, and I was in the middle of doing laundry. Good thing, as this year's Oscars were pretty crappy. Of course, for the past few years (minus last year...last year I have no excuse for not watching) I've attended an Oscar party...and perhaps the free drinks and fancy attire made those shows seem better than this year's.

Actually, I doubt that.

If you'd like a "play-by-play" of sorts, feel free to check out the Live Blog I participated in during the show at: www.critical-end.com. Logan, Ryan, and the rest of the Live Blog viewers made the Oscars a lot more fun to watch. (Of course, the French Asian guy was funny in his own regard...but the commentary didn't hurt one bit.)

What I learned:

Goldie Hawn now has four breasts, apparently.

Beyonce killed the musical.

It is very possible that I do, in fact, have good taste in films. I really enjoyed Slumdog Millionaire...and it was eating up the competition left and right. Jai Ho!

2/9/09 - 2/15/09: Friday the 13th 2009

2009-02-16T15:11:00.000-08:00

Thoughts:

Here's what I'm going to admit to you while trying not to feel a slight twinge of embarrassment: So far, out of the new movies I've seen thus far (Read: I'm not counting the Bridget Jones movies)...this one has been my favorite.

And actually, now that I've said it, I see no reason to be ashamed. It was fun, it was funny, and it made me jump and scream every now and again. And, for once, the obnoxious audience commentary wasn't really that obnoxious (minus a comment about Vagisil made early on...ewww.) But actually, I'm glad I spent 10 bucks on this movie...and mainly because I got to see it at midnight ON FRIDAY the 13th. That in itself was pretty brilliant. Also, the lady at the Walgreens who sold me the candy we snuck in was ridiculous and wonderful...she was like the preshow. And I think, from now on, I may just visit her before every movie I see.

What I Learned:
A campy (no pun intended) horror film is not a campy horror film without boobs. And the placement of boob shots in this version, well, sometimes it's expected...other times it's so ridiculous and out of place that it's epic...in a brilliant way.

My favorite characters always die first in horror films...or at least much earlier than I would have liked. So, note to all of you: If I like you, and you happen to find yourself being hunted by a masked maniac? Well, it was nice knowin' ya.

Also, anytime a character curses at, yet respectfully addresses, an inanimate object by its name, this does not go unappreciated. And, in my book, created the greatest line in the entire film (Some might consider this a spoiler...but really it's not...I'm just giving you a heads up) :

"Where the f**k are you, Gun?!?!"

Also, major props to Locksley's "She Does" appearing on the soundtrack! Hells yeah.

2/2/09 - 2/8/09: The Curious Case of Benjamin Button; Taken; He's Just Not That Into You

2009-02-16T15:05:00.001-08:00

Thoughts:
I gave the person I went to see this with a warning that it might invoke emotional tears from my eyeballs. The previews made it seem so poignant and touching. What a disappointment. I mean, I did tear up a little, but really...this movie seemed to drag on for ages, with no real payoff.

What I Learned:
If a girl has blue eyes, that's reason enough to fall instantly in love with her.

Growing backwards takes FOREVER. Seriously.

I have a new-found appreciation for Junior Mints.

Thoughts:

Hoped for: Action-packed thriller featuring Liam Neeson kicking ass in new and magically wonderful ways.

Actually got: Not-so-action-packed thriller dealing with off-putting and uncomfortable situation, featuring Liam Neeson kicking ass for the sake of kicking ass.

What I Learned:
A man with all sorts of post-retirement government high-tech equipment should, at the very least, be in possession of a digital camera when he takes his daughter to the airport.

The true teenage rite of passage is following a popular band around the globe. Duh.

It is highly entertaining when you include the sentence, "Carrots?" during dialogue about crime lords and illegal activities...
...especially when it's done with a French accent.

Thoughts:

What a heaping pile of dog barf-vomit-poopoo. Holy chimney sweeps, this movie blew. But then again, so did the book. It was approximately 8 hours of whiny women, emotionally unattached men, leading up to a typical "happy fucking ending...everybody lives happily ever-fucking-after...wait until the right person comes along...it will happen for you...

...oh, but if it doesn't, that's okay too. You're awesome on your own!" What a fucking sucker-punch.

What I Learned:
The scariest moment of my life occurred when, upon leaving the theater I heard a woman utter the phrase, "Oh my gosh. That movie was SO TRUE!" (What the HELL?!)

There is a blatant misconception about women being needy, man-seeking, walking, talking biological clocks. This pisses me off more than you can imagine.

Ben Affleck is just scary now.

1/29/09 - 2/1/09: Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason

2009-02-11T07:29:00.000-08:00

Thoughts:

Again, I've seen this one before too. But unlike its predecessor, I don't care for this movie all that much. At first I thought it was because the first time I saw it was on a date with a guy I dated for way too long...and for all the wrong reasons. Turns out, I just really think this sequel blows. Especially after watching the two films basically back to back. I recommend you NOT do this. There was definitely some logic in play when they released these films about 3 years apart.

What I Learned:
Just because an original film has memorable moments that really worked does not mean you must repeat them, almost identically, in the sequel. I can forgive the repeated moment in the beginning of the film, because on most levels, it works...but as for the rest? Come up with something new, for Pete's sake.

It is ludicrous to think that after only 4 weeks of dating, a woman would be EXPECTING an engagement. Wtf?

This film does have its moments, like the Thai prison scene, for example. But overall it felt like the Bridget Jones that I adore was missing. However, I think Renee Zellweger gained even more weight for this film than the previous one, thereby keeping her alright in my book. Also, from now on, I will refer to my thicker sections as "wobbly bits."

1/19/09 - 1/25/09: Bridget Jones's Diary

2009-02-11T07:19:00.001-08:00

Thoughts:
I've seen this movie before, and I really do enjoy it. For once, a good review from me. Strange, I know. Although she's a little more "biological clock" than I consider myself to be (for the record, after seeing "He's Just Not That into You" I've dubbed myself "The Un-girl" but more on that later...), there are characteristics about her that mirror me in so many ways. More specifically, her awkwardness.

What I Learned:
There will be at least one time in everyone's life that he or she will:
1. Show up at a party inappropriately dressed due to not getting the memo.
2. Be caught in the most hideous pair of underwear at the worst time.
3. Make a complete ass of themselves, only to find that there's at least one person on this planet that can appreciate it.

A lot of folks seem to have some sort of disdain for Renee Zellweger. Maybe it's that, "I just took a huge bite out of a lemon" look perpetually etched on her face. I don't know. But I think, at least in this movie, that's she's alright in my book. Also, anyone who commits to a role to the point of purposely gaining a lot of weight is pretty awesome.

I am forever done with the Daniel Cleaver's of this world. Sodding idiots.

1/12 - 1/18 Eulogy and Bolt

2009-01-21T15:25:00.000-08:00

Thoughts:

Not terrible, but I expected more. However, it was worth the watch for some, very limited, comical moments.

What I Learned:
It is impossible to suspend disbelief when the twist at the end is so goddamned ridiculous that you want to slap the writer in the face.

I heart Zooey Deschanel. Even though this movie fell mildly flat, her performance, in my opinion, saved it. And kept me watching, when I would have otherwise shut it off.

Ray Romano seems to be incapable of playing anyone other than Ray Romano...although, it's okay. I can deal with that.

Thoughts:
Why, much like my lunch options when I go out to eat at work, can't I seem to see a movie that gives me that "My life will be forever changed" feeling? Granted, I didn't actually expect this from Bolt. But seriously...I thought at the very least that I would walk away feeling a little mushy. I actually walked out with morning breath and drool crusted to my chin. Yes...I fell asleep in the middle of the film.

What I Learned:
Above all, my fondness on the awkward jerky movements of pigeons was so well-represented in this film that I can't give it no stars at all. Pigeons are hilarious. Thank God I'm in Chicago...pigeons pigeons everywhere.

Miley Cyrus drives me nuts. One minute, I think she's all right. The next? I want to give her a mullet like her dad used to have.

I can attest to the fact that hamsters are badass. This movie captures that, which I wholeheartedly appreciate.

1/5 - 1/11: Sylvia

2009-01-08T15:01:00.000-08:00

Thoughts:
I really wanted this movie to be better. Really I did. So much so that I sat in my little chair, perpetually shoving popcorn into my ever-loving mouth as my mind kept repeating, "Just wait, Tiff...it's going to get good here in a second. Wait for it. Wait for it. And...roll credits...

...damn."

I enjoy Sylvia Path's poetry, as well as her life story. Unfortunately, this movie spent about 2 hours covering only a slice of it all. What a pity.

What I Learned:

Gwyneth Paltrow made me forget she was Gwyneth Paltrow, and actually had me believing she was Sylvia Plath...so there's that.

When a story is inherently dramatic, lay off the damn dramatic musical interludes for fuck sake.

Regardless of how much of the story was left out, I still have a strange affection and curiosity toward Sylvia Plath.

12/29-1/04: Ghost Town

2009-01-02T10:43:00.000-08:00

First movie watched in 2009.

Thoughts:
Not bad, but not great either. Put it this way, sometimes what you expect is completely different than what you get. Regardless, there's a special place in my heart for Ricky Gervais.

What I Learned:
In order to avoid coming off as the comedy version of The Sixth Sense, simply use "seeing dead people" as a ploy to get people to see your movie...and then abandon the idea for 90% of the film.

Also, if you die for a few minutes during a surgical procedure, it's always funnier if you're getting a colonoscopy.

And finally, the reason my tooth hurts is because I have bad molar contact. (See, there is some truth in fiction.)